Hi, I'm Char! I tend to blog about nothing in particular. This is my personal tumblr so anything I think is cool, cute, inspiring, interesting, totally wicked or downright sick goes here. I also draw..... sometimes.

 

Cool Ranch Doritos

I have several stories I like to pull up at the absolute wrong occasions. ‘Stall material’ I use to either buy time in an awkward situation or make people leave me alone. This removes the awkwardness altogether, as you can imagine.

Here’s a short story about bones, saws and cool ranch Doritos that I haven’t told nearly enough people yet. Certainly not enough of my personal friends anyway as most of them are still excited for the possibility of cramming a Dorito Taco down their smooth muscle highway.

The details of the room aren’t very important other than there are 6 cadavers lined up in 2 rows of 3. A group of 4 students are assigned to one cadaver each. We, the students, are given a human dissection manual as assigned reading. The manual is a step by step instruction set on how to properly dissect every part of the human body without ruining every nerve and or lopping your own arm off in the process. We aren’t allowed to bring [it isn’t suggested] our own personal copies to the lab. Within a single day of having the books out among the dead bodies they were covered in a grease similar to chicken stock. The pages would turn transparent by the end of the quarter, making the books hard to read and cause some sloppy mistakes in hand-eye coordination.

On this, particular, sloppy no-good-very-bad day we line out the copies of our books in front of us. Instructions on how to remove the muscles of the scalp, slice through the bone and maneuver your fingers around to flip out the brain, all covered in adipose gravy.The instructions are simple and straight forward. Cut off the muscles where they insert, grab your favorite color sharpie and draw a dotted ‘cut me here!’ line around the circumference of the skull and stab your bone saw into it like a lumberjack.

A bone saw [for those unaware] is a small saw with a shallow blade that vibrates back and forth. It makes a lot of noise, heats up fairly fast and throws all sorts of material everywhere. Eye protection is required.

The saw is relativity tiny, the mess is produces is not. This is important.

Donning our checkerboard shirts and overalls, the group of us set to meleeing the skull with considerable difficulty. The saw is slipping everywhere and no one can draw a straight line. Artists are horrible people. Eventually we get a steady enough hand to puncture into the skull and create a fissure to navigate on.

As we saw through the skull bone dust  begins to spew out from the saw’s ‘delicate’ oscillations. We are soon covered in a cloud of delightful people powder. This is where all the fun begins.

The people powder, cutter cloud, skull spew, whatever you want to call it smelled…

Exactly…

Like….

The worst part of this story is that there is literally no way to prove this to anyone who hasn’t sawed a human’s head in half before. I can tell you the scent is completely uncanny. It doesn’t ‘maybe’ smell like cool ranch Doritos. Or “yeah I could totally see that smelling like—-” it was EXACT. Scent for smell, Dorito powder.

My labmates and I spent the rest of the day completely covered in the cool ranch cologne. We had to attend several classes afterwards with it in our hair. We probably looked like we had some amazing smelling dandruff. All because there were no showers in the bio medical building. Figures. Put all the stinky things where no one can shower.

This doesn’t lead me to any conclusions or conspiracies like: cool ranch is people. That would be silly. Actually.. there is really no punchline to this story. I set up way too much detail for it and made you waste a ton of your tumblr hours reading about something I could have said in one sentence.

'The human skeleton smells like Cool Ranch Doritos'

On the topic of smells and why I don’t like them: let’s talk about Snuggle.

I hate the smell of Snuggle because it’s what we had to pour over the cadavers in order to keep them ‘moist’ for the next outing. 1 part Snuggle, 3 parts water. As a sick joke, or incredible error in judgement, my mother actually bought me a large pack of Snuggle dryer sheets to use when I came out to California. I either threw them away or they’re still hiding in an unpacked box somewhere, waiting.

  1. accomesafterb posted this